Chapter 10

Back to reality.

Our appointment was looming, and I felt so nervous. My consultant told me how the one tumour was no longer visible on scan, and the other had shrunk quite considerably. He asked if I was happy to be referred to the ‘Christie’, a specialist hospital for cancer in Manchester, to see if there was anything surgically that they could offer us. He told me I would have to have ‘maintenance chemo’, but I could have a four-month break (including the break I’d already had). This made me feel shit, just the thought of more chemo. He did say I could have the less aggressive kind, which meant I would not lose my hair and it wouldn’t give me the severe joint pain. I would be able to work my life around it – instead of my life around the cancer, and having to let people down because I was so exhausted. And it was an exhaustion that was always so difficult to explain to people. I told him I wanted a few months of reality first. He agreed that I could do this.

I arranged a meeting with my boss to sort out my return to work. This would be a four-week phased return, and then working part-time, incorporating annual leave into my hours. I was actually excited about going back to work. It was arranged for the last week of October.

We had a weekend at my Dad’s. He lives by the coast, so it was always perfect to walk along the beach and clear my mind.

I was so nervous on the morning when I returned to work. Some colleagues I hadn’t spoken to since being off, but I had spoken to those who were friends, and they were the important people. There were also lots of new faces; they were all very friendly and kind. One of my colleagues (known for being unpleasant) did not ask how I was, nor did she welcome me back. She just commented to other people how much Wes had changed, rather than asking him how he was – and just wanted to know how long my hair was and ‘was it grey?’ she is one of the most insensitive people I have ever met. I felt very angry with that one particular person and with how she always seemed to get away with her actions. The clients I dealt with were very forward, asking me questions and telling me their own stories of how cancer had affected their lives. I found this rewarding and therapeutic, and I loved their thoughtful directness. I settled back into work quite quickly.

I went out for tea with Cheryl, Nige and Wes. I had a few too many red wines, and Cheryl and I got very emotional and both shed some tears. It felt to me like a much-needed cry after being back at work.

Every bit of post that landed on the doormat I feared, but I had a letter arrive from the Christie Hospital. They thanked me for the referral, and explained how I have a strange pathological diagnosis of gastric type adenocarcinoma. They stated they were not commissioned to deal with my type of cancer, as the primary did not fit their criteria. It was very strange to be told that my cancer was not the right ‘lucky’ cancer that could be seen by this specialist hospital. They did, however, ask to look at my previous scans and results dating back to 2005, and said they would be back in touch.

I had a very strange experience. I went on a mandatory training course, and met another lady who had also not long returned to work and had been through chemo. We shared stories and experiences; she was now being seen by the Christie, and we still keep in touch periodically.

I went to a meeting with Macmillan, who are hoping to roll out a new strategy around services and support for patients at GP practices in the Midlands. This I felt to be rewarding, because if they can fill the gaps that I felt I missed out on, it will help somebody else’s journey to be easier.

Another scan at PRH. Another waiting game for results. I kept myself busy in various ways – spending time with family and friends, Lynn’s 60th, Halloween and Bonfire Night. I love this time of the year and catching up with friends, especially Sue and Andy, who have supported me through helping me to write up my experiences and in encouraging me.

I received another letter from the Christie, stating that they felt the scan was normal and they questioned whether the first scan was done too soon after surgery. They also questioned whether it was incidental that the cervical cancer was indeed the primary, given the fact it was so small. They also questioned whether the metastatic disease had come from a previous missed primary. At present they felt I was free of any obvious disease.

As you can imagine, I could not get my head around this content, and I needed it explaining to me. The next day I headed off to the chemo Day Centre to try to get some answers. I saw my consultant in the corridor talking to a member of CT. He asked if I was okay, and I said about the letter. He said he had seen it, and I said I don’t understand it. He told me he would book me an appointment. He stuck to his word and booked me to see him within two days.

He went through the letter and explained that from a surgical point of view there was no obvious disease, as in ‘there was no surgery required at present.’ On reflection, I do not feel this letter should have been sent directly to me, as it was very misleading. On the other hand, the scan had showed I was in remission which was absolutely fantastic news. I had not put much on social media up to this point, but this was well worth a status and I received so much love, which I am so grateful for the lovely messages.

This was the perfect start to our next trip to Spain with little man.

It was amazing. Wes had waited so long to be able to take him to his parents, and complete happiness showed in his face, and it was the most wonderful way to spend Wes’ birthday. We all loved every moment of it. Just before we went to Spain, I took my next brave step and coloured my hair, ready to go permanently without a chemo hat. Lyndsey helped me through the process of colouring and toning my hair. I felt pleased with it all, and went without my hat.

So now Christmas was upon us, and it promised to be completely magical. We had day trips to visit Santa, and Thomas the Tank Engine, and we put the tree up for the first time in our new home. It was so exciting. Gemma and Ben had very kindly invited my Mum and Steve for Christmas. We’d had no idea about this, and we were just sent a picture with a comment saying we would need more chairs. This followed a conversation I’d had with Gemma over a wine earlier in the year, about the possibility that this could could be my last Christmas. She had clearly gone home to chat to Ben, and they had decided to make it extra special. So thoughtful and kind.

Wes and I had a trip to London booked, as we had very kind gifts for our birthdays that included going to see ‘The Lion King’ and our hotel being paid for. We visited ‘Winter Wonderland’ in Hyde Park, Soho, Camden, Carnaby Street, and also met friends at Baker Street. But the most important part was our trip to Bond Street, where Wes got down on one knee and asked me to marry him. I have never felt so excited in all my life, and of course my answer was ‘yes!’ Again, we were sent much love.

We had the best Christmas – cancer free, engaged to be married to my best friend, dinner with all the family, and Chaz even managed to get the day off. It was just perfect, as was New Year’s Eve – a quiet night, seen in with beautiful friends and feeling much more positive than last year.

I went for another scan and I now wait in limbo for those results. I have had pain on and off since Christmas, but I believe it’s brought about by the partial blockages I get, which cause me to be constipated.

We went to the #jonessecretwedding. It was amazingly romantic; she looked beautiful and Mark didn’t look too bad either! It was fantastic sharing such a special day, and seeing the shock on people’s faces, who thought they had come to Mark’s ‘Surprise 30th’ but instead they were at a wedding party. I couldn’t see the whole night out as I was exhausted, but I so enjoyed my day.

I am now sat enjoying a bit of winter sun in Morocco, before heading back to more scan results, but I remain positive that this will be a good year, and I plan to marry my best friend/lover, Wessie woo, on April 27th.I was so excited to start a new chapter, but first I must wait for the results of my last scan. This will be discussed in a week’s time at an MDT; another wait whilst my results and my future sit on a hospital computer.