Chapter 24

I think I will start this chapter with ‘tonight’, and then work backwards in time.I have had a lovely catch-up with the beautiful Alina and Lynn. I have also sat today with a very heavy heart, just like I have done for much of this week…

I’ve been the one putting on that ‘mask’ to leave the house. I’ve snapped and felt angry with those around me who try to offer help and advice – or just try to get me to sit and relax. I’ve felt that I might as well go and sit in my hospice bed and wait for it all ‘to slip away’, just like every ounce of independence is just slipping away from me.

So I’ve sat in floods of tears this morning, so f**ing angry at the world and the things that happen. ‘Cuntcer’ has become a daily struggle this week, one that is just too difficult to try and put into words at all.

But it’s like this;

I can’t get my shoes on due to my feet swelling.

I’ve had to buy bigger clothes due to the tumours.

I get out of breath sometimes doing the smallest of things.

I’ve gone from a couple of medications to more than 16 per day.

Then there are those people that have seen me face to face and told me to contact them ‘if you need anything.’ Then they’ve switched off from social media, but they don’t have the balls to say why. I guess this is because they don’t think they can approach me because I have cancer (playing games). Yet I’m here struggling to decide whether how I feel is ‘normal’, or should I look at taking a different anti-depressant?

As a family we have had the added stress of losing a precious little life this week – Lucas, who would have been 2 in December. At the moment it’s an ‘unexplained sudden death’, but these things never seem enough for people to act with more kindness and compassion towards each other.

On a better note, leading up to this last 7-10 days, life has been okay. We raised a further £700 from Stoke Heath Prison, taking the total up to £2700, and the new Just Giving page raising a further £220. The guys held a charity football match that I was able to watch, and there seemed to be so much love and support, it was wonderful.

We have made some more wonderful memories. Gail, Simon, myself and Wes had a lamb dinner (made by my beautiful sister), sat around our outside/inside dining table at the hospice. I had visits from many people and shared many a story: Aunty Kaz telling me all about her cruise trip, and my mum’s husband Steve being home, as it had seemed like an age this time. The beautiful girl who helps in the hospice came and gave me a makeover and some fantastic products that I was allowed to keep. I an not a ‘make -up girl,’ but this really did feel special.

I also felt well enough for another small trip out, so we headed to Nandos for a spot of lunch, and I was able to get my sister a memory keepsake that she was so pleased with. We had a visit from Seb and Martha, not forgetting Ben and Mems and lots of others (to mention just a few – Ellen, Viv, Harry and the Guthries).

The consultant came to see us when Wes’ parents were with us. He was happy for me to head home the following Monday, which was fantastic news. Wes took his parents to the airport that afternoon, and it was a very difficult goodbye this time. Gail and I shared some very private and emotional messages that I will always treasure. 

I also had an interview with the hospice communications team about my stay in the hospice – it’s not just a place where you go to die, and how much more happens in these places. I was also asked to be involved in ‘Hospice UK Care Week’, which again involved my sharing my experience in the hospice – about how being there didn’t mean to me that the Grim Reaper was coming for me.

Monday came and homewards we headed. Little man was excited that I was coming home, and he wanted me to sit in the back with him, which of course I honoured. As we approached home, I was really nervous, as it had been four weeks since I had last been there. People had been amazing, and so many friends and family had done such kind things like ironing, cooking, washing, and the delivery of bottles of gin (Naughty Jules).

We started to meet the district nurses, who so far have been the most lovely down-to-earth people. They have encouraged me loads to be self-empowered, and teaching me to do my own syringe driver, and how to take one day at a time.

I have had a huge sort-out of clothes, and of all manner of shit that I don’t need, which I have given to close friends who have appreciated and helped me smile through the tears (Sharon, Claire, Alina, Stacey my Mum and Sister to name but a few).

We made some more memories with friends and family, and had lunch at Zizi, also a fun day out with family friends at Oktoberfest – and a fabulous weekend in Barmouth. We had a caravan on the sea front, just a stone’s throw to the sea from our front room window. There were also playdates with a mix of friends from Shrewsbury and Telford.

Whilst I’ve been sat writing this chapter, I’ve been feeling less angry and less negative. I’ve been able to remind myself how rich I am because of the beautiful friends and family I have around me, and how lucky and rich I am to have such people. Some people are not so lucky. So we stand again and look Cuntcer in the eye, and say f*** you Cuntcer!!!

https://www.justgiving.com/fundraising/carla-michelle?newPage=True