Chapter 18

I couldn’t sleep well the night before, which may have been due to the champagne. I felt quite low; Wes and I had had the most perfect time off from work and cancer, and now reality was about to hit again like a thunderbolt! I cried that night and my husband held me tight.

In the morning, we went to the chemo day centre. It was a busy day because it followed the Bank Holiday. The nurses were cheerful. It always was a long day at the centre, and we did the usual – played chess, slept in our chairs and chatted loads. My consultant’s secretary came to chat to us and congratulated us. We spoke about the trial, and how I had been invited to London for an assessment in order to be considered. This day ended well with much excitement in the house as Liverpool thrashed Barcelona. One very happy husband!

The following day, we had an appointment at the hospice with a psychologist. This proved to be really helpful for us both. We chatted about everything; life and death, family, friends, others, and pain control. We will see the psychologist again, and she will arrange for us to see the hospice’s consultant. We also managed to see Linda, who is part of the team that make those delightful cakes at the coffee mornings.

That evening after we dropped little man off, we travelled down to Ilford where we stayed the night ready for our appointment on Thursday morning. We had a meal locally and that was me done – totally exhausted! I slept really well.

Next morning, we headed into the centre of London. I personally would never have driven, but it did not seem to faze Wes, though I guess for most of the time we didn’t get above ten miles per hour… People were ‘toot-tooting’ their horns continuously. Once we had parked, we met Shmell for a quick catch-up and a telling off for not staying at their place…

We made our way to Harley Street for our appointment; it was a beautiful and welcoming place. Everyone was extremely professional, and they just seemed happy to be there.  We eventually spoke with the doctor, who told us about her background, and we shared ours. This particular trial involved a medication that had not yet been tried on humans. It was all very exciting, but there were two possible cohorts that I could possibly fit into, as my pathology is quite unique. Further enquiries had to be made first. We left feeling really unsure now, as a little bit of our excitement had gone. On the way home, we called in at Amanda and Paul’s, friends of ours in Bedfordshire. We were made very welcome, and had a lovely meal and a catch-up at their stunning home.

Wes went back to work on the Friday. I was tearful when he left, as we had spent some amazing times together whilst we had been off. I seemed to sleep away the Friday and Saturday, between vomiting, suffering with joint pain and stomach pain.

On the Sunday, I felt loads better, and we had friends over for a BBQ – half and half the Mansells and Guthries. Little man had so much fun. On the Monday we met Harry and George for another playdate. It was loads of fun, but by early evening I was in bed with a cold and a sore throat, but thankfully no temperature. I was unable to go to work for a few days, as I felt shit and really low, with the waiting still to hear from London. I was beginning to feel nervous that they were not going to be able to accept me… Had I put too much hope into this trial?

Then came the call on Thursday, late morning. I was told that they were unable to accept me  on the trial, as my pathology was too unique! I felt my heart sink heavily and the tears sting my eyes, and I then heard her say, “But we would like to try you on another trial.” I went in seconds from feeling like I had hit rock bottom to being elated. This was so exciting! Alina was with me and gave me a huge hug.

When Wes returned, he was as excited as me. We had been invited to Eirian’s, and I had been unsure about going because I felt so low – but this was so worth celebrating, and I felt like a weight had been lifted off me. Both our families were so excited, and again there were tears of happiness. There will be another series of test in London for the initial part, to make sure I am strong enough to begin the trial. I just so hope that I am, I need to see my boy keep growing.

There are many things that cancer has taught me, and I would like to share a few of them with you all. Those times I looked in the mirror and thought I was unattractive, or too fat, or this part of my body wasn’t right, and those bits that I don’t think are tight…. All this makes me, and the person that is me, and as this person I have an impact on many people’s lives just because I am me. So no matter what is going on your life, always believe in yourself, but also remember that not all people are kind and there will be those people who flick two fingers down the phone whilst being nice to you, but that is a reflection on them not on you!! Always try to smile and be kind to others, but more importantly be kind to yourself because, as L’Oreal would say, you’re worth it!!