Chapter 19

I put the last chapter online after I finished work. I was exhausted when I got in, and so I’d had a twenty-minute nap, then we had a lovely evening; nice food, wine and snuggles (wink).  Out of nowhere came the tears. I said to Wes that I was so exhausted, I can’t keep doing this, and I asked him if he thought that ‘this was it’ and was I ever going to have or feel energised again?  I told him about how difficult I was finding it to ignore certain behaviours of people I was surrounded by, the unkindness I was witnessing that needed stopping… And I said to Wes that I knew they weren’t my issues, but I couldn’t help the person I was. Wes held me whilst I sobbed. Eventually Wes said, ‘Don’t go changing who you are.’ We laughed as I said I haven’t got time to change. I then said to Wes that I couldn’t go to work tomorrow, but I was worried about letting people down. He soon put me straight on this, and he rang work to say I would not be in. I turned my phone off as I did not want to talk to anyone, and thanked Wes. He said, “Thank me for what?”  I said, “For being you, and your kind and loving ways.” He may take ages to do jobs and be totally shit at washing up (ha) but I would not change Wes for the world. I feel so lucky.

I had a couple of days rest. The next time I went out was for my annual mammogram, then for my nails with Claire, and popped out to see Alina. Then I met Wes at the Guthrie’s for a BBQ, where he’d taken little man for a playdate. I had a call from the CNS the next day. She was as lovely as always, asking about the wedding and listening about the trial. I cancelled my chemo, and we arranged a phone call consultation for after my next CT, which would be sometime in July.

We had our next trip to London, and we travelled there after dropping little man home. They had put us up in a hotel and paid for breakfast, which was all very enjoyable, and we made the most of the evening. The following morning we arrived at Harley Street, where we were greeted by lovely staff and I signed the consent form with a lady doctor whom I can only describe as beautiful (I do not even want to think about what was going through Wes’ head..). Then it was off for a series of tests; eye tests, CT scan, blood tests and Nursing and Holistic care. All appointments ran smoothly, with coffee and biscuits on offer at every appointment. We finished the day with a Brazilian meal and a glass of vino in the sunshine.

Next day was back to work for what the staff like to call a ‘treat day’ (rather, a ‘fat day’) with loads of naughty food… The day passed quickly. I was supposed to have an appointment at the hospital, but this was cancelled, which I was grateful for, so I went for a takeaway with Alina and Heidi to continue the ‘treat day’…

On the Saturday morning we travelled to Southport Pontins for a cheesy weekend of fun with the Guthrie’s. We went to the club, and the children enjoyed running around, dancing and burning off energy. They were so excited staying up late, sharing a bedroom, swimming, visiting the arcades, and going for a stroll on the beach enjoying an ice-cream (courtesy of little Yvonne). We had a couple of beers and enjoyed each other’s company, sharing so much laughter. Though I did have the worse farts in a long time… We laughed at each one’s eyes stinging with water from laughter (or maybe it was the toxic smell), but thankfully it was all taken in good humour, with Wes describing some of them as ‘aggressive sounding’…. It was a fab couple of nights away; the children were amazingly well behaved, including baby Oscar.

We got back home on the Monday and went for lunch with Nan, then dropped little man at home and had an afternoon of relaxation at our home.

On the Tuesday I had my CT results. They did not make for the best reading, but the research people were happy for me to begin the trial.

The following day we headed off to collect our wedding album from the lovely Karen. It was amazing, and we were so pleased with it, Then we headed to Kent for a few days away. We chose this area as it was nearer to where we needed to be on Friday to start the trial. We had to cancel going to Cornwall though, which was so disappointing as we love spending time with Jeanette and Keith. But logistically and with the exhaustion, I felt it wouldn’t work, so unfortunately this time cancer ‘won’ hands down.

We stayed in a lovely place called ‘Charming Garden Cabin’, hosted by Rita and Charles; we would definitely recommend this super cabin in Whitstable. We spent evenings on the beach drinking prosecco out of plastic cups and listening to the sound of the sea. Perfect.

We then called to see my cousin, Krister, and his children on the way to London for our appointment. They had put on a lovely spread, and we spent some time chilling in the garden at the home-made outside bar. We then headed off to London, ready for our appointment in Harley Street. We spent Friday at the centre, and then in the evening drove off to stay with our friends Amanda and Paul for a fab BBQ, drinks, Jacuzzi and swim. We came back on Saturday, and later on met friends for drinks and the all-important Champions League final… Thankfully the result equalled two happy boys in this house.

On Sunday we spent the afternoon with little man, and then had a playdate with Amy on the Monday, before returning to London for our next appointments. I spent the day on a hospital bed being served a lovely breakfast and lunch, whilst having regular bloods taken throughout the eleven hours. I insisted that Wes had some time out, so he went and met Shmell, a friend he’d originally met in Greece. It obviously did him good, as he came back and slept at my bedside (she does talk more than me).

We both went to work the rest of the week. On Saturday we went to support our friend at a local food show, and had some of her fantastic cakes. They are ‘to die for’ – try them out if you get the chance (‘Flamingo Bakes’). Then on Sunday it was Wes’ little man’s Third Birthday. We had a fantastic time. Wes threw a party, and we had invited ten children. They were all so well behaved, and we had so much fun, and it was really lovely to see everyone enjoying themselves and how happy the day made Wes.

After Wes took little man back to his Mum, we headed off to Rhyl so we could be by the coast. On the Monday we sat by the sea and just read; it was so peaceful, and we were both so relaxed. By 18,30 I couldn’t keep my eyes open in the pub, and we headed back. I had ‘hit a brick wall’ and slept for sixteen hours.

I find myself thinking a lot more of late worrying about the future or rather the lack of it. I want to be here when Chaz has children. I want to see him qualify as a paramedic, and to support him through the course so he can achieve his dreams. I write cards for birthdays and special occasion, hoping that they are not the last time I write them. I want to see and feel mine and Wes’ relationship get stronger and stronger. I want to watch little man develop from a toddler to a little boy. To watch my friends’ children grow, to see what they become.

Today I feel angry with many things. Maybe it’s the pain I am in, but things are frustrating me more than they normally would do. I do still work hard because I choose to; the other option would be to sit at home and feel sorry for myself, and allow cancer to win, but I do also get tired. People at work have been supportive, but I feel I’m a huge ‘team player’ and do get frustrated when not everybody is willing to share the same work ethic – and I find it difficult to stay quiet (shock). I also was/am so constipated. I rang the hospice for help to try to get a medication that had been suggested to me by a GP friend. The hospice told me that they could not help, and I needed to go through my GP, and then they went on to tell me they were closed this afternoon for staff training, and it was probably best to ‘up’ my Movicol for tonight… I still find it surprising that some people will not go that extra mile to help. So I will lie in agony tonight, because it was too much to go that extra mile; I’m so glad that is not the person I am.

I felt so much better when I arrived home to be greeted by a happy little, middle and big man, and also a wonderful gift from Sharon and Gordon containing our evening wedding photos.