Chapter 21

I have recently been through a bit of a dark time to say the least, mainly at night in the small hours. I lie there, overthinking, my mind full of various deep (and sometimes dark) thoughts – on life in general…our paths…our destinations…and the things that make people kind, happy, manipulative, or generous.

But I can’t figure these things out. I’m shattered but I can’t sleep. Wes is on ‘nights’. I find myself reading through my CT results again, and thinking of death; what makes it easier, or is death really ever any easier?  You have a diagnosis that is going to shorten your life and it affects you, your family and your friends – and the person with the diagnosis is like a ticking time bomb… But loved ones do have the chance to say the things they want to say and vice versa. ‘Instant death’ people don’t get that chance.

I did finally manage to switch off and get some sleep. (Don’t worry I have had my anti-depressants increased). I slept at Alina’s the next night, as I knew her non-stop talking would make me unable to think..

I returned to work once I felt the rash on my face had calmed a bit, and I felt better for having gone back. I met some new people and we had a giggle – we had a ‘Bake Off’, and I made some bread with the help of Morrisons. One of my clients asked me to ‘read his palm’, so I made up some bullshit, and he was laughing, and then he said, “Can you really read palms?” I replied, “No, why?” He said, “Because you wear a fortune teller’s hat.” I cried, laughing, and said, “No, you dick, I have cancer!“

I also went to a not-so-exciting but ‘essential’ meeting – and I asked the Chair would it take long, as I did not have long to live and did not want to spend too much time wasting it in meetings. He laughed, and said he was stuck for words.

We had a fabulous trip to the seaside with little one, and stayed over in a caravan. It was a lot of fun, and we were so lucky with the weather – beautiful sunshine. We even managed a dip in the sea. 

We also had baby Oscar’s Christening, with Wes as a Godfather. This was a day full of laughter, as it always is with the Guthries and the exchanges of inappropriate jokes (that others are not sure how to take). There was a beautiful ‘spread’; unfortunately, I stand out in a crowd, and I thought maybe people would be saying, ‘Look at her, four times she has been up!!’ I felt my lipstick clashed with my spots, and Amy asked if I had a ‘’hair bubble’. I obviously just called her an extremely polite name.

I’ve felt so rough in the week leading up to the CT scan. I have been sick, still suffering with ‘code browns’, have pain on the left rib cage, the rash, and open sores to my bottom (not helped by the ‘code browns’). I had to call in sick to work for the Tuesday and Wednesday. Wes went for a play date with little man on Wednesday, and then after he had gone back to Mummy’s house we headed to London. We had a good run down. We laughed as this time they had put us in a ‘Less Abled’ room. Wes found this amusing. We were unable to have an evening out as I still felt so rough.

We went for the CT scan, bloods and an echocardiogram. I had a small amount of food, and took antiemetics and Loperamide. We later watched ‘Mamma Mia’ at the theatre. It made me laugh and cry, and Wes admitted at the end of the show that he had enjoyed it too.

Friday. Results day.

So;

Cancer in anterior abdo wall; 2.9cm. Unchanged

Right hemi abdo; 1.8cm. Unchanged 

Pericapsular hepatic deposit anterior; 3.5 cm. Unchanged 

Pericapsular hepatic deposit posterior; 2.6cm. Unchanged 

Deposits on the spleen; unchanged

Peritoneal deposit anterior abdo; was 1.3 cm, now 1.2 cm.

Lung nodules; no change in small ones, and the larger one has grown slightly.

Serosal disease on the sigmoid colon; no change.

All this is known as ‘Cancer Stable.’ But known to me as ‘Cuntcer 0, Carla 1’.

So, even though I continue to vomit, no-one is removing the smiles from the faces of me and Wes tonight. My Chazza is also happy with the results, as are my family and friends.

I am now having a break from the tablets to allow my body to get over the side effects, and I will return to London soon.